Marriage can be a satisfying and exciting life-journey for a man and a woman who love each other. However, the significant number of divorced and separated persons indicates that there is a fundamental problem with their marriage preparation.
The dreaded phrases “I just don’t love you anymore” and “where has the love gone” are common among those who mistook their intense feelings of attraction as love. This is a very easy mistake to make because the popular culture defines love as attraction.
How Love Was Defined
Our concept of love has been defined by romantic: letters, poems, songs, stories, novels, movies, theatrical productions, etc. They have all defined love as strong feelings of attraction. If these feelings are felt by both parties, then they are said to be “in-love” with each other, and are expected to “do” something about it.
Attraction is not love, neither is it a component of love. Attraction is a natural emotional force that we can feel, which enables us to bond with each-other. Its intensity can fade. The couple that interpreted their strong feelings of attraction as love, will justifiably conclude that they no longer love each other when the intensity of their initial attraction fades. The typical options available them follow.
- Artificially try to conjure up feelings of attraction with gifts, vacations, and other sacrifices.
- Try to get along for the sake of the children.
- Keep the facade of a happy marriage in order to avoid the embarrassment or costs of separation.
- Have an affair with someone with whom they feel a new intense attraction.
- Give up trying and accept a life-sentence of misery.
- Separate or divorce.
The Actual Definition of Love
It is possible to avoid all of these options by simply choosing to love. Love is a promise to do four progressively more challenging things. For the man:
Promise number 1 is to accept her exactly as she is right now, with everything that he knows and does not know about her – and there is much that he does not know.
Promise number 2 is to accept everything about her as she ages – for better or worse, richer or poorer, health or sickness for as long as they both shall live. He promises to accept her even if she is later disfigured by an accident or crippled by an illness.
Promise number 3 is to forgive her. Neither of them is perfect; therefore, they will both make mistakes, and they will both need to depend on the others’ forgiveness.
Promise number 4 is to encourage her passions and encourage improvement in areas of weaknesses. This provides purpose for the marriage, otherwise she can quickly get bored with the routine.
These promises are identical for the woman.
Love and Sex
If they are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then they are ready to love. When they keep them, they demonstrate their love for each-other. After they formally make their promises at their wedding, they complete or consummate their promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that they subsequently have sexual intercourse, they reinforce their promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying mental, physical, emotional and spiritual experience.
The problem is that if they have sexual intercourse before making their promises, then he shows her that he is capable of justifying forsaking her for a younger and shapelier rival when she gets older. If he is able to restrain himself when his attraction for her is at its highest, then he shows her that he is capable of resisting the rivals that will inevitably come – and they will come. A wise woman will let a man prove to her, and to himself, that he is both willing and capable of keeping his promises.
Love and Marriage
The couple who is ready to make and keep their promises of love is ready to get married. Spouses of those with no intention of keeping these promises are destined to endure a life sentence of misery. Please do not join them. Choose to build your marriage on the solid foundation of love, rather than on the illusory foundation of fading attraction.
My experience is that most couples never reach the love stage. They seem to simply ride the wave of emotional attraction until it is exhausted, and then they settle on one of the 6 options previously mentioned. Fortunately, most marriages can be improved, almost immediately, if both of them choose to love.
You are welcome to share your opinion in the comments below. You may also purchase the $8.00 book here or at Amazon.com ($7.00 Kindle) here, which describes this brief summary in greater detail.
So, who am I? I am the president of Walbrent College. I have spent approximately 15 years successfully counseling men and couples in their preparation for marriage, and over 20 years designing solutions to complex engineering problems. You can read more about my qualifications on the side bar.
[Legal Disclaimer: The suggestions offered on this website should be discussed with the relevant registered professional in your country, who will then advise you on the applicable course of action, prior to you taking any action.]
19 May 2013 at 4:03 am
This is good stuff. I’ll read the book and let you know what I think.
20 May 2013 at 4:16 pm
Please let me know what you think once you have read it.
30 May 2013 at 2:42 pm
The book came today and I just read it – it blew my mind! Totally awesome was my first response. Then I wondered why you didn’t address any of the issues that newly weds go through like joint finances, buying or renting a house, raising kids, in-laws, who does what in the house, things like that. Why’d you just write about love?
30 May 2013 at 3:36 pm
A couple will likely make hundreds of decisions during their initial years of marriage. Since neither of them is perfect, it is inevitable that they will get some of them wrong despite how well they are prepared. Hopefully the vast majority will prove to have been beneficial to their marriage, but others may be detrimental, or even disastrous.
I believe that couples should be free to make their own mistakes, but they should have a solid foundation on which to make them. Love is the most solid foundation, and without it, there will always be dissatisfaction with the marriage regardless of how many decisions the couple got ‘right’.
With love, the couple forgives the inevitable mistakes and keeps growing in the light of a refreshingly encouraging environment. Without love, mistakes are not forgiven, and there is no growth in the miserable environment of suspicion, bitterness, complaining, and discouraging criticism. Regrettably, the collateral damage is the emotional health of the children who are raised in such a toxic environment. Parents are normally oblivious to this damage until it manifests itself in the child’s teen years.
The book’s principal purpose was to encourage persons to build an exciting marriage upon the solid foundation of love, rather than a miserable marriage on the illusory foundation of fading attraction.
20 May 2013 at 2:03 pm
Your book makes perfect sense. I was attracted to her perfect body and was willing to put up with her sarcasm and other things that I didn’t like. She blew up when she got pregnant and never came back down, so I soon felt nothing for her. The attraction faded real fast but I stuck around for our kid’s sake. I will try your recommendations and see how it goes.
20 May 2013 at 4:15 pm
You are choosing the right path. Please let me know how she reacts.
20 May 2013 at 2:10 pm
I really needed this advice a month ago, because I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time, and now he is avoiding me. I feel so stupid!
20 May 2013 at 4:07 pm
I am so sorry. Let me encourage you to allow God, who is real, to embrace, comfort and restore you.
Fortunately you still have the rest of your life ahead of you, and a good chance of finding someone who will love you – because you know what love is – and is not.
20 May 2013 at 2:25 pm
Your book is awesome. I thought that this guy loved me, but when I told him about the promises, he said that he did not want that type of relationship with me. So what am I, some f***ing whore??? Thank god I am not wasting any more time with that idiot.
20 May 2013 at 3:54 pm
I am sorry that things did not work out, but happy to know that you are now free to pursue someone who will conscientiously love you. Remember, let him show you that he intends to keep the promises of love that he may make. Do not settle for anything else – you are worth too much.
My very best regards to you Amber,
20 May 2013 at 2:35 pm
Love is a scary thing man. To promise to accept and forgive what you do not know is crazy. But it is how I want her to treat me. Thanks man.
20 May 2013 at 3:49 pm
For long term relationships to work, all you need is love.
20 May 2013 at 3:02 pm
I thought that I loved her but your book showed me that I do not. I want to love her, but you are asking too much. I need to get to know her a whole lot better before I can make those type of promises.
20 May 2013 at 3:49 pm
You are choosing the right path. I wish you both well.
20 May 2013 at 3:32 pm
Before I even consider making those promises, we have to have sex. It is important to be sexually compatible. The only way to know is to have sex first period! Suppose she is terrible in bed? S**t.
20 May 2013 at 3:50 pm
If you are planning to ride the wave of emotional attraction, then you are planning for a short-term relationship my friend. Therefore, you should not be planning for any joint investments, marriage or children with her. You also need to be honest with her and let her know that it is only about the sex – period.
If you want a fulfilling long term relationship, then both of you will have a lifetime to learn about each others’ sexual pleasurable desires, improve your sexual experiences, and explore new methods to excite and satisfy each other. With sex, it does not matter where you start, but how much you are willing to learn. There is a complete physical, emotional and mental satisfaction in knowing that your wife is reinforcing her promises every time you sexually engage. For the long term relationship, its not just about the sex.
20 May 2013 at 4:31 pm
Dear Grenville, Your book is amazing. Our marriage was slipping of the rocks. We were separated and started divorce proceedings, then I came across this site, read your book and shared it with my wife. It took us less than 1 hour to get back together. We made our marriage constitution as you suggested and it is already working. Thank you so very much brother. You changed our lives.
Randy and Kay.
23 May 2013 at 3:38 am
You are most welcome.
21 May 2013 at 11:07 am
Your ideas about love make sense and I wish I had discussed them before I got married. I want to make them to my wife, but she does not seem to want any improvement in our marriage. She is busy with the kids and I feel unfulfilled and left out. What do you suggest.
23 May 2013 at 3:58 am
I would suggest the following.
1. Help her with the (your?) kids.
2. Do your best in everything you do.
3. Wrap the book and give it to her as a present.
4. Keep doing items 1 and 2 consistently.
22 May 2013 at 3:42 am
Dear Grenville. Let me share this with you. My daughter moved in with her boyfriend 5 months ago. I did not approve, but she is an adult. After reading your article, I ordered a copy of your book and gave it to her. She returned home with her clothes yesterday. They plan to marry in 4 months and he wants to show her that he intends to keep his promises. He is earning my respect.
23 May 2013 at 3:39 am
You are welcome.
24 May 2013 at 3:25 pm
wtf. my girlfrient wants to stop having sex and told me to read this site. so she is history. you are not helping the brothers at all.
24 May 2013 at 3:46 pm
If she told you that, then she really cares about you. However, you need some more work. Perhaps it is better that she be a part of your history.
I believe that she will find someone with whom there is a mutual attraction, and a willingness to demonstrate his intention to keep his promises of love to her. She can look forward to an exciting journey.
You need to improve yourself by demonstrating responsibility. Keep working for a year. If you cannot find work, then volunteer your time to a charitable organisation every week-day. By then, you would have grown as a person and may be ready to accept the responsibilities of marriage.
25 May 2013 at 11:08 pm
After reading Joyce’s testimony, I decided to try the same thing with my son and it worked!. My son rented an apartment with his girlfriend a little over 2 months ago much to his mother’s displeasure. I sent him an email with a link to this site, and he returned home last night. He spent today (Saturday) moving back his things and told us that wants to marry her . He said that he will continue paying his half of the rent so I guess he must be serious about her. Needless-to-say, his mother is elated.
27 May 2013 at 6:10 pm
I am happy for you all, and thank you for posting.
27 May 2013 at 12:53 pm
Dear Mr Phillips, there are several theories of love and romance, each with their own defined dimensions. The basis of these theories are the collection of love or romantic songs, poetry, novels and letters. Their common characteristics are defined and studied by academic researchers, and correlations are sought among the experiences of sample populations. The resulting correlations are published in peer reviewed journals and forms the basis of advice given by clinical psychologists to their relationship challenged clients.
Your theory is truly revolutionary, because it postulates that the basis of love theory (poetic literature etc) is limited to attraction and is not love at all. It also provides new variables that can be investigated for correlation that are more relevant to long-term relationships. This should lead to significantly improved clinical advice within our profession.
Most revolutionary ideas can take decades before they become mainstream among those in the profession as they undergo critical review. During this interval, our clients would not have received the best available care if your ideas are found to pass this important scrutiny.
Given the relevance of your theory to most of the population, please consider publishing your ideas in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, and let me be the first to congratulate you.
Dr K Murray
27 May 2013 at 6:22 pm
Dear Dr Murray:
Thank you for the kind words in your informative post. I will prepare a manuscript and submit it for their consideration.
27 May 2013 at 1:15 pm
Your book has helped me a lot in deciding the type of person I want to marry. But I think the promise to forgive him for anything he does after we are married is scary. Won’t that just give him permission to be bad? I like the other 3, but that one is hard to accept.
27 May 2013 at 6:33 pm
It is important that you both discuss the promises and then decide whether you are willing to keep them. The promise to forgive is essential; however, consequences can still follow.
You should discuss with him which offences will, once forgiven, still qualify as marriage breakers. Many consider that adultery should fall into this category.
27 May 2013 at 2:36 pm
my bf and I read your site and want a copy of your book but it is not in any stores around here. we don’t have credit cards so we can’t order online. can you solve that problem.
27 May 2013 at 6:35 pm
Please send me the link to your closest public library and I will send them a copy.
29 May 2013 at 3:19 pm
I did not expect that. you can send it to the public library in gilpin county.
27 May 2013 at 4:58 pm
My bf is willing to stop but has left the decision to me. I understand were you’re coming from but I don’t want him to stop. I know you’re gonna say to stop, but is there any other way?
27 May 2013 at 6:54 pm
You must decide what you want. If you want a long-term marriage with him, then do you want to know whether he wants a long-term marriage with you? If you decide to stop, and he chooses to remain with you and not pressure you for sexual intercourse, then you may have found someone who is willing and capable of loving you. However, if he starts to avoid you, then you may have just avoided a life-sentence of misery – let him go.
If you do not allow him to test himself, then neither you nor he will know whether he is capable of loving you, although he may be very willing. It is better to go into a marriage relationship knowing that you can trust him to keep his promises, rather than endure a life-sentence of uncertainty and suspicion.
Let him test himself June. Let him demonstrate to you and himself that he is worthy of you.
27 May 2013 at 5:56 pm
Mr Phillips, I will not waste any money on what you are peddling. All of my married friends tell me the same thing, play in the garden until the sun goes down, because after the marriage and honeymoon, the garden gate is locked with a Do Not Disturb sign hanging around it. Give me an honest answer, are they right or are they right? Booyah!
27 May 2013 at 7:59 pm
Admittedly, the experiences of your married friends are common.
At the start of their relationships, the initial strong feelings of attraction would have made everything about their relationships seem almost effortless and natural. However, once the attraction faded sometime into their marriages, then the relationships would have required considerably more effort without the aid of this attraction force.
The force providing momentum to the marriages should have shifted from the emotional force of attraction to their mutual encouragement. However, if neither side encouraged the other, then the proverbial wheels would have fallen off, and the marriage would have ground to a boring routine, especially for her.
Fortunately there is hope for all of those in marriages where both parties misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction for love. If they would discuss these promises, and then choose to make and keep them to each-other, then they can look forward to fulfilling and exciting marriages. If not, then they will continue to endure their life-sentences of misery until one of them is snared by a more attractive rival.
You have a chance to avoid their mistakes. Will you take it or will you take it? Booyah!
18 December 2013 at 4:26 pm
Awesome come back! Lol
10 February 2014 at 3:45 pm
29 May 2013 at 11:44 am
Hey Guy, I like your answers.
29 May 2013 at 2:15 pm
Thank you Roger.
29 May 2013 at 12:27 pm
I got married 6 years ago to my soul mate. But for the last 2 years, that affectionate fun loving, kind, thoughtful, sexual nymph I married changed into a hard woman who argues about everything, criticizes me for everything, and forgives nothing. She always reminds me of things I apologized for, and her kindness is never shown to me.
When I married her, I made her the standard promise, for better or worse, sickness or health, richer or poorer. But I noticed when she made them to me, she would not look me in the eye. I thought it strange at the time, and knew something was wrong. But the raunchy honeymoon washed those thoughts away. Now I understand because her actions show that she did not mean any of her promises.
I don’t think she feels any attraction for me. I tried telling her about your promises, but before I can say much, she starts arguing. I’m not leaving because I meant my promises. What else can I do.
29 May 2013 at 3:06 pm
If nothing changes, then you are 2 years into your life-sentence of misery.
The sad truth is that your wife holds the keys to her state of being. If she wants to remain in her prison of misery, then that is where she will stay. She can liberate herself at any time if she simply chooses to love you. However, your description of her behaviour, especially her not looking into your eyes when making her vows, suggests that she married you for better not worse, richer not poorer – and you better not get sick. She will likely become comfortable in her prison of bitter misery well into her old age. People who do not forgive others tend to display extreme levels of bitterness and misery.
The good news is that you can still love her and enjoy a satisfying life-journey with her. Try following these steps.
1. Tell her, or if she stops you with her arguments, then write her about the 4 promises and your intention of keeping them.
2. Now you must do your best to coax her out of her prison. For one week, carefully listen to what she is arguing or complaining about, and write down every item.
3. Separate the list of complaints into the following three categories.
Category 1 – Things that I can do immediately – with no resources.
Category 2 – Things that I have the resources to do.
Category 3 – Things that I do not have the resources do at this time without getting into debt.
4. Do the category 1 things immediately – even if you do not want to. They likely include things that irritate her like: leaving the toilet seat up, not replacing the toilet roll, not carrying out the garbage in time, not cleaning the car, etc. Doing these things will cost you nothing, but they do irritate her. Stop irritating her. Just do them consistently without complaining. If she complains, and she will, just tell her that you are doing your best.
5. Plan to do, and do the things that you can afford to do. They likely include house repairs, and purchasing things that can make her life more comfortable. If you can afford to do it, then just do it without complaining. Do not withhold these things from her.
6. Gently explain to her that you cannot afford to do the things on the Category 3 list at this time. Let her know that when you have sufficient funds, then you will do them. Tell her the plan. If you can save some money each month to go towards completing things on the Category 3 list, then do so and tell her.
7. Pray for her. God is real. Pray to God that she would choose to leave her prison of misery and bitterness.
8. Every few months, make a new list and keep doing your best.
Once you know that you have started doing your best at home, then you need to continue growing as a person. Volunteer for a worthwhile cause that helps those in desperate need, start a business, learn a new skill, etc. Do not get discouraged if she complains about these things. Find fulfillment in serving others.
My very best regards to you my friend,
29 May 2013 at 3:30 pm
Grenville that is one excellent response! Truly awesome! I think I’ll try it on my wife. She only comes out of her prison for sex if I bring her an expensive “sacrifice”. I like the sex, but I feel as if I married a prostitute. Bummer.
7 June 2013 at 1:52 pm
We lost any attraction we had for eachother along time ago. We were barely able to tolerate eachother for the last 3 years. Then I downloaded your book and we decided to really love eachother. Thankyou for giving us a second chance.
14 June 2013 at 3:55 pm
You are welcome.
12 June 2013 at 3:43 am
ok then. what about sex. where does sex fit in with your promises?
14 June 2013 at 4:21 pm
Sexual intercourse has several important purposes in a marriage. In addition to reinforcing the promises of love, it is also a powerful means of encouragement for a man. With it, a man can be motivated to do almost anything for his wife. A wise wife can encourage her husband to achieve the highest attainable levels in any area of endeavor that she chooses to direct him – including his physique, decorum, and creativity. An unwise wife can discourage a man to the point where he will not even try.
Sexual intercourse is included in the encouragement described in promise number 4.
27 June 2013 at 2:56 am
my dumba** husband wont listen to me about the promises and he wont go to your site. got any ideas?
13 July 2013 at 2:56 pm
Perhaps you can send the book to him. It is small enough to encourage him to read it.
29 June 2013 at 12:14 am
Dear Grenville, your explanation perfectly described what went wrong with our relationship. My ex husband also agreed with your assessment. and we decided to give our marriage another try on the foundation of love. It has been wonderful. Thank you so much.
13 July 2013 at 2:54 pm
You are welcome. Love is a very solid foundation that should support your marriage for a lifetime.
12 July 2013 at 10:46 am
Looking forward to your book!
12 July 2013 at 9:33 pm
I ordered your book today ! and I am really looking forward to reading it . I can’t say the same for my husband now, we are Divorced. :( and my despair is unbearable some times. We dated for 7 years married for only one . It’s nothing I can do but stay in prayer , also stay encouraged I am hoping your book gives me more direction . I found your site through a yahoo answers page , you responded to Johnny who reconciled with his wife after six years. Maybe the same scenario maybe not, but your response made a lot of sense . I think what you are doing for couples is great please keep me in prayer.
12 July 2013 at 10:26 pm
please let me know about other books you may have published thank you!
13 July 2013 at 1:55 pm
Since we only have one life to live, I prefer to live it pursuing the truth. The most effective method that humans have devised for determining what is true is the scientific method. The scientific method dictates that assumptions on which the interpretation of evidence was based must be verified.
I have tried to use this method in all of my writings. I started an honest attempt at impartial investigative reporting by writing a weekly column in our national newspaper for 2 years. I later archived the articles in a blog that I maintain called “Weighed in the Balance”. (http://researching.wordpress.com/)
My first book, “Brothers Kept Apart”, was published in 2008 after 7 years of critical review. (http://brotherskeptapart.com/) This was followed by “Solving the Arab-Israeli Conflict” and “Colliding With Truth”.
I wrote “What Do These Cracks Mean” last year. It is a catalogue of cracks in concrete slabs, beams, columns and walls. It identifies whether they are structural or non-structural cracks and what you should do about them. It is like having an engineer in your pocket.
13 July 2013 at 2:39 pm
I am very sorry to read of your predicament – may you experience the comfort that only God can give. Please know that the intensity of your emotional pain will fade over time. You can help the process of your recovery along by helping persons in desperate need.
The decision to love must be made freely. Once the promises are made, both parties should keep them. If the promises were never consciously considered or made, then there is an opportunity for them to be made later. Perhaps you can refer him to this site where he can have the opportunity to decide whether he wants to reset his relationship on a foundation of love.
13 July 2013 at 12:39 am
I read somewhere that the opposite of love is apathy or indifference. Since you’ve redefined love, what is your take on that.
13 July 2013 at 1:23 pm
Since most people appear to interpret their feelings of attraction as love, then let us start there. The opposite of attraction is not apathy, but repulsion. An example should suffice.
Imagine that a couple is eating at a restaurant. The woman may find the man eating with his mouth closed to be an attractive behaviour. She may be repulsed if he chews his food with his mouth open. However, she will likely feel indifference if she is not given an opportunity to be either attracted to or repulsed by his behaviour. There is indifference if he simply does not eat.
Love is demonstrated by keeping the promises to accept and encourage. When the man accepts and encourages his wife, he demonstrates his love for her. The opposite of love is to reject her and discourage her passions. The absence of love is apathy or indifference.
24 July 2013 at 9:08 pm
This book in which I have not purchased which I will on my nook as soon as it is charged. I was introduced to this book on yahoo.answers because I am struggling in my marriage. I am a female and I struggled to believe that it was possible to struggle bc it is unheard of that women deal with issues in a marriage too. My husband who is a patient man and an awesome husband but sometimes I just felt like I didn’t love him or wanted something new. He seem boring and almost predictable. I wrote on yahoo and this reviewer said the most remarkable things and then gave me this site. I am surrounded around broken marriages that have broken up or living in the motion and I didn’t want that for me. Also I have struggled with the past of why no other guy wanted me but my husband. My husband has been there but I know he was on the edge which trying to prove he loved me and he is the best for me. I have prayed so hard and then I finally got my thoughts together and found this site and book . My husband and I have talked for 1 hr about us and this book and God. We are a little better very refreshing but we have both agreed to get this book. I am hopeful that this book is not like any other book that just feed you things to bandage your marriage but not really push you in the direction to live and love your spouse even on the worst days.
27 July 2013 at 1:16 am
Once you have both agreed to accept and forgive each other, you have to intentionally encourage each other’s dreams and passions. There are no discouraging words in encouragement. You try to find how things can be done responsibly, not why they should not be done.
Once the 4 promises are kept, it creates an environment where attraction can be revived or cultivated.
25 July 2013 at 10:30 am
This is really helpful, by making the promises to your loved one it means you have to live on the promises. I take them as my guidelines and know that me and my partner will have time to make our home the best the way we want it not as my sister, mother, father or friends want it to be. We will have a new constitution for our new government yes! thats our new home. Making it the best home ever. ‘ JUST MARRIED’
27 July 2013 at 12:54 am
May you have a satisfying and exciting marriage.
Please note that your family constitution must be agreed and signed by both of you. It will not guarantee an absence of conflict, because both of you will likely fail to meet each-others’ high expectations for the duration of your marriage. It will allow you to resolve the inevitable conflicts on the strongest possible foundation – love.
Remember that the 4th promise is intentional. Therefore, notice his passions, desires, and plans, and share yours with him so that they can be encouraged.
29 July 2013 at 7:17 am
why there is still couples who are not compatible with each other ?they keep on promises but as time goes by they want to be separated..
31 July 2013 at 8:02 pm
I have found that couples tend to have a desire to separate because they cannot see their relationship improving. Improvement comes with the 4th promise – the promise to encourage. It is possible to keep the first 3 promises and still feel unfulfilled in a marriage. Encouragement is the fuel or energy that pushes the marriage in the encouraged direction. Continuous discouraging statements and actions can extinguish this fire. Each married person must spend a lifetime learning about their spouse’s changing passions, and encourage accordingly.
30 July 2013 at 2:51 pm
Hello G’vill am 21, have a girlfriend she says she love me but she proves to be insecuired.which type of love is this?
31 July 2013 at 8:10 pm
If she has feelings of insecurity, she probably does not believe that you will accept her once you have seen all of her. Let me explain.
In this courting phase of your relationship, she is only showing you her good side, and you are only showing her your good side, but she is not perfect. Eventually, you will see everything about her – the good, the bad and the ugly. She may not believe that you will accept her once you see the bad and the ugly. Love is accepting everything about her, even what you have not seen. If you are prepared to do that then you should tell her – which should help calm her insecurities.
31 July 2013 at 3:40 pm
yes after reading all your comments i also got the experience
31 July 2013 at 8:11 pm
What experience is that?
31 July 2013 at 3:47 pm
Hi, where do you stand on attraction? Are you saying that you don’t need to be attracted to your spouse, or that you shouldn’t be attracted to your spouse? I absolutely understand that the key components for any good marriage are non-atraction related (trust, respect, empathy, communication, genuine desire for a long-term monogamous relationship etc). BUT, as you yourself say, sex is a part of this union and sex with someone that you have never been attracted to can be very difficult. My only boyfriend and I dated for 7 years, but when it came to getting married I could not do it. We had the respect, empathy, communication etc, but I knew I had never been attracted to him. I fully understand that this ebbs and fades, but would you agree that it should be present at some point within the union?
31 July 2013 at 8:39 pm
I believe that it is better if a mutual attraction existed. However, people can be attracted to others for diverse reasons, including: physical attributes (shape, size, eyes, mouth, teeth, nose, etc), attire, decorum, tidiness, hygienic habits, spending habits, study habits, skill at a sport, skill at a talent (musical instrument, singing, art, dancing), voice, how they walk, etc.
If the attraction is mutual, then the couple may bond by sharing emotional experiences – the most common of which is talking about past emotional events and attending events together. If their emotional bond is strong, then the couple may feel confident enough to marry. However, if, say, the woman shared emotional childhood memories, but the man did not; and if the couple only attended events that the woman found emotionally uplifting and the man only attended to keep her company (example ballet). In such a case, the woman’s emotional bond would be strong, but the man’s – not so much. Even though they were sexually attracted to each other.
Therefore, it is important that both emotional bonds be strong enough to keep the couple together when the bonds of attraction fade.
31 July 2013 at 7:24 pm
How do you go about loving someone that you cheated with? What if I feel that this person is the one for me and that we are soul mates even though we made the mistake of cheating—which was done because of our intense attractions to one another. I love this guy and I want to make things work the right way. We both realize that the people we were with were not right for us, so how do we go about moving forward?
31 July 2013 at 8:58 pm
Assuming that you have already married him, then let me suggest the following for moving forward.
1. Forgive each other completely and never speak of it again, especially during an argument – what is done is already done and cannot be undone.
2. Both of you should decide whether you are willing to make the promises of love (accept, forgive and encourage each other for the rest of your lives).
3. If you are, then you need to address any unintended consequences of your past actions by getting tested for the range of STDs together.
4. Once the results are known, then you need to take any necessary precautions with respect to future sexual activity.
I have prayed that the results for both of you are favourable.
If you are both still married to your spouses, then regardless of how you feel towards them or eachother, your spouse is your true soulmate. It is always better to try to reconcile with your spouse.
31 July 2013 at 11:22 pm
Thank you. I continue to try to get the approval of everyone around me for being with a guy that I cheated with. I just want to follow God’s direction and do what makes my heart happy.
31 July 2013 at 9:28 pm
i cant stop watching porn. i want to stop but i cant. whenever i sit at the computer i just have to search for porn. its like im another person. i hate myself for being so weak and i think my wife knows, but i cant be sure. can you help me please. im so sick of it but i really cant stop. i need to stop before i ruin my marriage for good. please help.
1 August 2013 at 2:47 pm
As with all irresponsible behaviours, you can either embrace them or resist them. Embracing irresponsible behaviour will negatively affect your behaviour and your close relationships – especially your marriage.
You are on the right path my friend, for you have chosen the path of resistance. The problem is that you need a better strategy. As long as you keep resisting in the darkness, then you are likely to continue to fail. You need to resist in the light. This can be done by sharing your struggles with your wife. Consider the following approach.
1. Explain to your wife that the only naked body that you want in your mind is hers.
2. Explain to her that an unsolicited pop-ups or some other thing can trigger a hunt within you for pornography.
3. Explain that you plan to install a family filter to block porn sites, and that only she should input and know the password.
4. Both you and your wife should then install an effective family filter, and let your wife input the password and not share it with you.
I would suggest that you use the free Open DNS FamilyShield linked below.
Otherwise, choose the paid Net Nanny
Let me explain something. If you are addicted to pornography, then there is good news for you. Every addiction can be broken if you are serious about it. Most people do not want to be free of their addictions because they enjoy the short term pleasures. If you are not serious, then you will start thinking about various reasons to justify not installing the filter on every computer that you use, or why you should know the password.
To know if you are truly serious, you would install the family filter on every computer that you use at home and work, and allow someone else to know and input the passwords. If you do not do this, then you are simply not serious. Do the right thing. Go talk to your wife right now.
21 September 2013 at 5:46 am
What’s wrong with porn? Isn’t it better than cheating? I watch it all the time and it enhances our sex life. Before you go off on how I am making my wife compete with porn stars, let me inform you that there are all types, sizes and ages on the net. My wife looks better than most of them so she doesn’t need to compete. So what’s the harm in it all?
21 September 2013 at 1:58 pm
Pornography has two main damaging effects. The most damaging impact for your marriage is that you will primarily view sexual intercourse as a means to satisfy yourself, rather than satisfying your wife. This can lead to a less satisfying experience for her and a boring routine for you. You will likely develop an uncaring attitude towards her if she does not express a similar delight in your sexual performance as those whom you watch. Your sexual experience should be all about her, because you are reinforcing your promises to her, not to yourself. Of course, sexual intercourse for her should be all about you.
The other damaging impact is on the victims whom you are watching. Many women, especially from Asian and eastern European countries, are forced into the sex slave trade, with harsh consequences if they do not show delight to their clients (See ‘Half the Sky’ and other research). As you watch these victims, you are supporting and sustaining this trade. If you choose not to pay to view the pornography on the Internet, then you still support the sex slave trade by adding to the web sites’ page views, which increases their advertising revenue capacity.
You are harming yourself and your marriage, and sustaining the sex slavery trade and the hopelessness of the victims, for a few moments of pleasure. Time to change course my friend.
11 August 2013 at 8:05 pm
Can you explain to me how I might encourage my husband who wants to mortgage our house to start a new business? For our security, I need to discourage him.
14 August 2013 at 3:02 pm
When starting a new business, the initial investments are normally used to learn how to improve. It is common for the first attempts to fail regardless of the amount of the initial investment. That is why it is very important to invest only small amounts of your money into the initial attempts. Never go into debt during this product and process improvement phase.
Let me reiterate this important point. Most businesses (both big and small) fail because they do not understand this critical point. Whether your initial investment is very small or very large, it will likely be used as a learning experience – you are unlikely to see any profits from your initial investments. You will learn the same lessons of how to improve your product and management processes whether you make a small or very large initial investment in your business. Therefore, make your initial investments as small as practical and determine to learn as much as possible.
Once the initial lessons have been learnt, and the improvements are incorporated into the product and management processes, then you may start to see some profits. Use the profits to grow your business slowly as you keep improving both the product and the management (input supply ordering, equipment maintenance, distribution and marketing etc) processes until you have a pattern of success, and the failure risks of larger investments are small and manageable.
Therefore, encourage your husband to start whatever business he wants to, but encourage him to do so responsibly – with small and manageable initial investments. Never mortgage your house to start a business – it is too risky.
12 August 2013 at 3:59 am
Thank You. I was starting to think something was wrong with me cause I didnt known if I was ”In Love” even though, I am married. I am going to order your book but am afraid it is too late for me and I will live out my life in misery.
14 August 2013 at 3:04 pm
Please know that it is ever too late. After you have done all that you can, then you should rely on God rather than giving up. God has improved situations that are far worse that anything that you can share or imagine.
Rose, I just paused and prayed for you. I know neither the details nor the outline of your situation, but you can avoid the misery by trusting God.
When you sit in your chair, you are not concerned about its ability to support you. You trust it so completely that worry or anxiety about structural failure or misery about consequential injuries does not enter your mind. Trust God more.
Trust God, your loving Heavenly Father. Trust God’s love and care for you and accept His will in your situation. Trust God to work it out however He chooses and accept the result whatever it is.
I suggest that you thank God for His love and care for you, and tell Him that you trust Him and accept His will in your situation. Then go and do your best in everything that you do, no matter how small, and find opportunities to help people in desperate need.
14 August 2013 at 4:18 pm
Thank You. I will. You truely are a spokesman for God. How lucky I am to have found you.
Gods Blessings to you and your family,
3 September 2013 at 1:38 pm
Thank you Rose.
12 August 2013 at 8:23 pm
could you make it possible for me to purchase the book via ebay? would there be a paperback? i would appreciate both paperback and e-book. but paperbacks are highly preferred. looking forward to buying your book and sharing with husband so that i could think straight about our future together. thanks!
14 August 2013 at 3:08 pm
The Kindle is an e-book and the printed copy is in paperback. I will try to set up an e-bay account and notify you from this website when it is completed.
24 August 2013 at 1:14 pm
OK. My wife tells me she does not enjoy sex. She only does it because of my needs. I get off in like 5 min, but I would like her to enjoy it. Any suggestions? We have been married for 3 years and she tells me this now.
25 August 2013 at 3:10 am
I think that your situation can be solved in 3 days.
Day 1 (Wednesday):
Once you have both decided to love by promising to accept, forgive and encourage each-other, then you need to study her body carefully. To do this, she needs to be relaxed. So in the morning, ask her if there is anything that you can do to make her life easier. Do not argue or complain about anything that she says – even if she blows off a little steam.
Write and prioritize the list according to your resources, and start with the easier items. If she is the one who cooks the meals, then the very least that you should do is to wash the dishes after each meal and clean the kitchen counter top. If she objects to you doing this, then explain to her that this is now your job. If she informs you that you are not doing it right, then explain to her that you can only improve with practice. Never go to bed until the sink is empty and clean, and the counter top is clean and tidy. She must see a clean kitchen in the morning. Keep practising.
Day 2 (Thursday):
Explain to her that you want to give her a massage before she goes to sleep. Explain that there will be no sexual intercourse whatsoever; you just want to help her to relax. Tell her that she can leave on her undergarments if she chooses. Let her know that you will purchase some coconut massage oil, which is perhaps the most beneficial skin care product available (she can research this if she does not believe you).
At night, after both of you have bathed (not necessarily together), place a large towel on the bed and slowly and gently massage or caress her entire body starting with the soles of her feet. Spend a long time on the soles of her feet and on her toes. After you have completed her soles and toes, then wash your hands and continue with the rest of her body.
If she tells you that you are massaging her too hard, then do it more gently. Tell her that she can instruct you to move on to another body part when she feels that that she had had enough, otherwise, spend at least 10 minutes on each part (leg, arm, back etc). This will help you to identify the specific areas of her body that need attention. The massage should take at least one hour, so take your time and be gentle – despite how excited you may get. Show her that she can trust you by you not requesting sex, or over stimulating her sensitive areas.
After one hour, return to massaging her feet and ask her if she wants you to go over any other area. Do not stop until she says that she is finished or she has fallen asleep.
Day 3 (Friday):
Keep working on your list, and remember to wash the dishes after each meal. Explain to her that you would like to reinforce your promises tonight. Ask her to trust you to make it enjoyable for her.
At night, after both of you have bathed (not necessarily together), place a large towel on the bed and invite her to lie down. Kiss her body in the order that you massaged her the previous night. If her body responds by slight movements, or if she smiles, laughs or otherwise indicates that it is pleasurable, then stay there while kissing and gently licking the sensitive areas that you have identified until she indicates to you that you can move on. After you have covered her entire body this way, then return to the most sensitive areas or any area that she directs you and stimulate her in that area, slowly at first, then with increasing rapidity, until she is satisfied and invites you to enter her.
Once you have finished, then hold her and tell her that you will always accept her, always forgive her, and always support her dreams. She may be exhausted after, so have some water nearby that she can drink.
Start with this method and then modify it as necessary in order to accommodate your wife’s changing needs. I started on Wednesday in order for your wife to sleep late on Saturday. Of course it is important that you know her STD status, and use any necessary safety precautions.
31 August 2013 at 8:20 pm
It worked great. She said she was shocked after I told her i was doing the dishes from this day forward. She did not want the massage, but agreed to have it after i promised I would stop whenever she asked me. Last night was great. Sex never lasted so long before and she said she enjoyed it. This morning she initiated sex, which is something she never did before. She told me i awakened her.
1 September 2013 at 5:04 am
This worked for me too. My wife said that sex hurts her. I really care about her and our marriage is ok except for the sex. After the dishes and massage, I did not think that the sex would work, but after exciting her for about half hour, she said she felt no pain. I finally have a complete marriage. Thankx.
1 September 2013 at 5:30 am
So this is where my husband learnt those new tricks. I have to go apologize to him. I accused him of either watching porn or cheating. After 14 years of marriage, I finally experienced an orgasm with my husband. Bill’s wife summed up my feelings, awakened. You need to take this show on the road.
3 September 2013 at 2:10 pm
There are no tricks here, just people who are encouraged to do what is necessary in order to pursue exciting and satisfying marriages.
Thank you for your encouragement.
3 September 2013 at 1:49 pm
You are welcome Earl. Treasure your wonderful wife. You should encourage her to describe her new reaction to her gynecologist.
2 September 2013 at 1:24 am
I tried it too, but after I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen on Wednesday, she wanted sex that same night. That’s never happened. I always had to beg to get it 2 times a month. Dishes. Who knew.
3 September 2013 at 1:42 pm
You are welcome Bill. Remember to deliberately act on your promises – accept her as she changes, forgive her quickly, and notice and encourage her passions.
1 September 2013 at 1:01 am
Im so glad I found your site. I wish I would have found it before I married. I remarried a man four years ago, im 40 & he’s 45. We both were divorced once and each have three kids. I thoght it was perfect. Wed be like the Brady Bunch. Only were not, we dont even live together. we each have a two bed house, thus not enough room for everyone. we are trying to sell his house and get one together thats bigger but, his house has been on the market for over a year without one offer and with me only recieving disability now money is very tight. When we married I wasnt in the best of health, I had pretty sever allergies only now four years later I am much much sicker. What I thought was mearly allergies have turned into a major illness causing me to have several cronic allergic reations all over my body numerous times a week followed by several allergy/flu like symptoms and cronic fatigue. The doctors have no clue, theres no treatment I have ever tried that works. Its getting so bad Im starting to have problems even with daily functioning. I feel very bad that I am unable to be a good wife. He has stated that it isnt fair he’s being punished and he’s not sick. He’s right. Its not fair to him, he’s still young and healthy and deserves to have a nice life. I feel I am being selfish by staying married to him. He would never ask for a divorce, he would feel he was awful leaving the sick wife. Only im so unhappy and lonely always sick and alone. You wouldnt have any wonderful advice for my mess would you?
2 September 2013 at 3:06 pm
If your ill-health is allergy related, then you should try to determine whether it is something you are inhaling (breathing), ingesting (eating) or absorbing (through your skin). Try changing your environment as a first step. Let me explain.
Almost every building material (timber, paint, sealants, adhesives, asphaltic roof coverings, etc) decomposes over time. Some materials decompose faster than others. The by-products of this decomposition process may be inhaled, or get on your skin directly, or indirectly through your clothing. If such by-products are toxic, then they can negatively affect your health.
To test the idea that your illness is environment related, you should change your environment. Try the following exercise for one week and let your family join you – as a bonding and support experience.
1. During the daytime, open all of the windows and internal doors in your house in order to ventilate each room.
2. For the next week, try spending most of your time outdoors in clean (just washed – not put away) clothes. Move a comfortable chair in your patio and spend most of your time there. Let your children join you in the patio. Eat, read, work and listen to your radio there.
3. Avoid the radiation from the TV for one week. Also, avoid drinking what you normally drink. Drink only bottled water for one week and drink whenever you feel thirsty. No teas or juices, just bottled (not tap) water. Avoid all sugary and salty snacks and greasy foods. Eat as many whole foods (fruit and vegetables) and as few processed foods as possible.
4. At night, sleep in a room facing the wind, and sleep with the window partially open. Open a window at the opposite side of the house, and the internal doors open, in order to allow wind to blow through your house.
Of course, this assumes that the air quality outside of your house is better than inside. If this is not the case, then you can try this at your husband’s house or spend much of the day in a nearby park.
Once you have done this for a week, and there is improvement in your health, then this may indicate that your environment and/or eating habits is the cause of your health.
3 September 2013 at 12:12 pm
Thank You, I have always thought my flare ups were internal, more like an autoimmune disease. But I am going to try your suggestion. This labor day weekend has been the worst my flare ups have ever been. Its getting so bad I can barley function. Im desperate of try anything. I have been staying at my great aunts house but her family is wanting to sell it thus I have to move. I am moving into mylate mothers house. Its across town and much closer to my husbands house. He told me he was taking the labor day weekend off of work to help me move, Thursday-Monday. today is a perfect day to try your idea
3 September 2013 at 1:29 pm
Funny, this is the perfect day to try your suggestion for I am moving today. Due the constant flare ups, this move has been very difficult on me. My husband knowing this said he was going to help me. He came over for four hours thursday and friday but, did very little, other than keep me company (which was nice). He only packed one box but, he said he would be back the next day to help move boxes. Well that night while bending to get a water bottle he supposedly threw out his back and Ive never seen him since. So, while he has had a wonderful labor day weekend Ive had the weekend from hell. (Hes said numerous times why should he be punished for my being sick, I guess I couldnt move fast enough not to disrupt his weekend activities.) Saturday he had a Football party at his house, Sunday he took his kids to the area ethnic festival, and Monday he had a bbq for what he calls his “family”, his grown daughter and boyfriend, his ex-wife and her boyfriend, his college daughter and her boyfriend and his two minor kids.
So, the whole time I have been trying to move. But, the weekend has been very challenging and to be honest more than a little disheartening. The only help Ive had has been from my two boys. During this weekend I have had 6 flareups, my left finger, right arm, left thigh, right toe all saturday, than my entire left hand, entire right foot sunday and monday, making walking and using my hand very painful, following any flare I suffer from flu like symptoms and cronic fatigue making it very miserable.
Anyway I am half way moved. I rented a storage shed making it easier to move and we are only taking our bare minimum items to make it easier to unpack and organize our stuff. Than we will slowly move our extra things in as I can. So, hopefully we will be moved in by tonite. during the last month I have washed the walls, curtains,and carpet with a mild clorox solution and I am going to purchase a good hepa filter for the furnace and each vent. I will also do as youve suggested. I hope this will help. I will let you know. Thank you for your help.
7 September 2013 at 10:01 pm
Dear Grenville, I am heartbroken as I write this. My two married children’ spouses have cheated. My son’s wife also drinks excessively (to a drunken stupor at family gatherings). and my daughter’s husband also has a gambling addiction and has lost most of their savings. My children were active in our church and fairly obedient. They want to save their marriages. I feel I have failed them terribly. I wish I had found this web site earlier.
16 September 2013 at 4:45 pm
I am sorry to learn of you, and your children’s plight. Please know that there is very little that you could have done to change their current circumstances.
Why good girls marry bad boys, and good boys marry bad girls is a question that I think most marriage counsellors ask themselves. Rephrasing this – why do responsible women marry irresponsible men, and responsible men marry irresponsible women? (From here on, I will use the terms good and responsible, and bad and irresponsible interchangeably.)
All men want to marry a good woman. Similarly, all women want to marry a good man. No person, regardless of how bad they are, wants to marry a cheater. Therefore, the good or responsible persons are targeted for marriage as soon as they near adulthood.
Here’s the problem. Young responsible persons tend to be shyer than their irresponsible counterparts. A good woman will attract both good and bad suitors. A bad guy will likely approach her first, and the shyer good guy may never approach her. This situation is similar for the responsible man who will likely ‘fall’ for the first attractive woman who smiles at him. In a community where irresponsible behaviour is promoted and accepted, that woman has a higher chance of being irresponsible.
Regardless of who a person marries, it is still possible for them to have a wonderful marriage, once both of them choose to love. Most married people want their marriages to improve. However, in marriages between persons of unequal responsible behaviour, it is likely that only one of them will want to initially invest the effort that can improve their marriage. The other may need to hit ‘rock bottom’ before being convinced to make the required effort. If your children are committed to their marriages, then they need to hang on for what may be a long and bumpy ride. However, they should go with their spouses and get tested for the range of STD’s in order to properly manage any future sexual acts.
My advice to you is to keep loving them and praying for them during their journey.
3 October 2013 at 7:01 pm
I’ve not read your book yet, but I’m going to download it this week on my kindle as I’m sure it will shed some light on some growing frustrations I’m beginning to experience.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost one year. Our attraction upon first meeting was an intense one because we knew our time together was limited due to us living in two different countries. After five months of long distance dating, he moved back to the states to be with me permanently.
The attraction is still present between us and we have both made it clear to each other that we want nothing more than to be husband and wife some day. Even though we do have a great relationship, I’m starting to feel some resentment toward him as I currently support both of us financially, clean and cook while he is still getting on his feet as a realtor. It’s been almost 7 months since he’s been back and it is growing tiresome of me doing everything while I feel that he could do a little more. I know he is appreciative of all that I do, but I guess I’m just a a loss of what action to take to prevent me from slipping out of my love for him because of the responsibility that is contstantly on my shoulders.
4 October 2013 at 9:33 pm
At this stage, things are going better for you and worse for him. In a lifelong relationship, these situations can switch several times. Both of you need to be assured that you will be accepted by the other when things are not going well.
For a healthy marital relationship, you need to respect him. However, he must be doing things that you can respect. Perhaps you can encourage him to help with the cooking and cleaning. If he refuses, then you know what you can look forward to. If he tries to help, then encourage his efforts – he can only improve with practice.
20 October 2013 at 3:46 pm
I don’t know why you didn’t answer any questions on your Reddit AMA.
I may have an idea. You didn’t want to answer difficult questions.
I will ask you the questions I posted on Reddit.
You have 4 rules for a man to follow:
” Love is a promise to do 4 things. For the man:”
Why don’t you have any questions for a woman?
Why do you think most people don’t reach the “love” stage?
I think it is very presumptuous to say that.
How can you claim to know what love is?
Love is many things to many people. You haven’t stumbled on the answer. You just guilt people into thinking they have to stay together.
22 October 2013 at 12:37 am
I have now answered all questions posed to me on Reddit AMA. Let me answer yours here.
1. The promises made by the woman are identical to those made by the man. Thank you for requesting that clarification. I have updated the main post accordingly.
2. My observation is that most people do not reach the love stage because they misinterpreted their feelings of attraction as love. Therefore, they sincerely believed that they once loved each other.
3. We are normally content to simply accept what we are taught. We are normally taught other people’s interpretation of what we can call ‘evidence’. I have chosen the scientific method of verifying the assumptions on which the interpretations of evidence was based before simply accepting another’s opinion. You are welcome to carry out a similar analysis of my interpretations.
4. Love is the promise of acceptance, forgiveness, and encouragement. Love is for everyone. Those who choose to marry should stay together. Those who got married before making their promises of love can experience significant improvement in their marriages by choosing to love – it is never too late.
27 November 2013 at 6:51 pm
I am in the mid of six years relationship with my girlfriend and recently we had discussions on settling down in the near future. However, I am having doubts on settling down now. It could be that my attractions for her has lowered over the years. I think I still love her but the fear of settling down is constantly at the back of my mind. I am unsure if I am marrying her now out of love for her or am I just doing it because I feel responsible for the six years relationship. I recently told her that I will like to put our plan on hold to sort out my feelings but I could tell that she is kind of disappointed and angry with me. What should I do?
30 November 2013 at 8:55 pm
After 6 years, I believe that you have learnt to love each-other. Perhaps you may not be de jure married, but you are de facto married. So your proposal to put your plans on hold can easily be interpreted as a threat of divorce. Understood this way, her reactions of anger and disappointment are normal.
Conflicts normally arise from failed expectations. If she expected that you and her would be a couple for a life-time, then if that does not occur, then there would be conflict. The longer the time investment and the greater the monetary investment in the relationship, the deeper the disappointment and anger.
I would suggest the following.
1. Decide whether you are ready to formally commit to her only.
2. If you are not, then she needs to know as early as possible. She will need the emotional support of her family and close friends because the hurt will seem unbearable at times. You see, she has emotionally entangled herself around the part of you that you have shared with her. It cannot be untangled – you must rip yourself away, and she can only be traumatised in the process.
3. If you choose to stay, then explain to her that you just wanted to be absolutely sure that you wanted to commit to her for the rest of your life. Then share the concept of love.
I wish you well whatever you decide.
14 December 2013 at 8:33 pm
Hey Grenville, I just moved in with this girl about four months ago and im very attracted to her and came out and told her that i have a crush on her. She received it really well, she even said, “were kind of already in a relationship because were best friends” “the only thing that would change is that there’d be more physical contact,” but than i could tell she was starting to worry. We don’t really have any other friends so were pretty much best friends. Than she mentioned her “dream guy” that she met a few years ago and was talking about how awesome their conversation was blah blah. And i could just tell she was doubting our potential. I secretly got really jealous and realized that if we were to jump into a relationship and it just so happened that we got into a fight it would be hell. So i told her the next day that we should just be friends. I think she was offended by that cause we were having a great time being around each other the first few days after i told her i liked her but than she comes out of nowhere and tells me that she doesn’t know why i thought the feeling was mutual and that i shouldn’t wait for her and date other people and that theres no chance we could ever be together. Im so confused we were having such a good time and now all thats changed. I really like this girl and i just want to approach a relationship with her in the best way possible. She told me that she loves me but isn’t in love with me? Now she’s treating me like she’s mad at me. Were young 24-22, tell each other almost everything, the attraction is there but i guess i want to know how to connect on a deeper more honest level. As soon as i introduced myself to her i thought i was going to marry her. But ever since she told me she doesnt like me romantically its like the fire that was in both of our hearts just got snuffed out. Now i’m finding it harder to try my best at everything but i guess thats the only way i can prove to her that i am worthy of her affection.
22 December 2013 at 3:11 am
You should always aim to do your best at whatever you do. Doing your best means doing the right thing in the right way and at the right time.
With relationships, you do your best while hoping for some reciprocal action. If she does not respond positively, then you must accept her decision and view your investment (of time and money in her) as an investment in yourself.
My suggestion to you is to try to determine whether she is capable of keeping her promises of love to you.
15 December 2013 at 6:32 pm
now she’s acting like she likes me again, but i know she would deny/get upset if i called her on it….maybe i just need to take my life more seriously and improve on the areas that need improvement…i think that would show her. if she does eventually confess that she likes me what are your suggestions on dealing with the situation? were pretty much each others only friends, we live together and i don’t want to blow the chance of having a really good relationship – there seems to be so much that could go wrong. by the way could you explain to me what “romance attraction” is as opposed to any other type of “attraction”?
22 December 2013 at 3:33 am
If she confesses that she likes you, then you should try to determine whether she is willing and capable of keeping her promises of love to you. You appear to be strongly attracted to her; however, the feeling is probably not mutual at this point. You can keep trying to win her, and if you succeed, then you should ensure that you discuss the concept of love so that she enters marriage with both eyes wide open. Otherwise, she may feel as if she was deceived.
Romance attraction is the normal emotional feelings that you feel for someone whom you desire.
3 January 2014 at 12:41 am
I am in my final year of med school. I entered med school partially to make myself more eligible to attract a mate. I noticed that you have written in depth about love in your book. How important is attraction?
3 January 2014 at 2:04 am
Attraction is an emotional force of desire. However, you need to be careful because you risk selecting someone who does not desire you, but the life that she thinks that you can give her. If you do not marry someone who desires you, then you will likely have an unfulfilled marriage.
Someone who does not desire you, or who is not attracted to you, but is attracted to the life (house, car, social status, wealth, etc) that she thinks that you can give her, will likely lie about her promises of love. Therefore, before you marry, you need to determine whether she truly desires you.
It is very difficult for you to assess her true desire on your own, since your desire for her will likely cloud your judgement. Therefore, you need to attach some weight to the opinions of those whom you believe truly want the best for you (normally parents, siblings and close friends).
3 January 2014 at 2:27 pm
Hey Grenville, so … how do I know if my wife really desires me?
4 January 2014 at 3:36 am
Assuming that nothing is physiologically wrong with either of you, and you are doing your best, then a useful indicator is the frequency of sexual intercourse. If she allows you to have sexual intercourse with her at least once per week, then she probably desires you. If she allows you to have sexual intercourse with her at most once per month, then she probably does not desire you.
If she does not desire you, then ask her to read this web-site, discuss the concepts of attraction and love, and then ask her to identify the things that you can do to significantly improve her bedroom experience.
10 February 2014 at 2:22 pm
I am grateful I stumbled on your webpage which is now saved on my favourites. I live in the UK but will get my mom to order the book for me as she will be visiting shortly. I once made a big mistake and married without the proper foundation of love as you advise. I intend to do it right this time.
Thank you and God bless.
10 February 2014 at 3:42 pm
May God bless you beyond what you can imagine at this moment.
I have found that one of the greatest adverse emotional risks in second marriages is the regret that they did not try enough during their first marriage, or that they did not do their best to reconcile after their divorce. It does not matter how bad the marriage was, the regrets still surface. If you do intend to move on, then you should make sure that there are no regrets.
To reduce the risk of these regrets, you can consider sharing this site with your assumed ex. If he is willing to love you after understanding what love is and is not, then perhaps there is yet hope. Any marriage can be restored if both parties are willing to make the effort.
If you wish, I can rename you “Anonymous” or whatever name you wish (I have had such requests before and have always complied).
23 February 2014 at 9:23 pm
Your blog explaining the difference between attraction and love made me understand why my four marriages failed. That after my first failed marriage unconsciously I knew the difference between attraction and love; but never consciously put these differences into words. I also didn’t stop having sex before I got married. I would agree that this is the only way to insure a successful marriage.
In each of the three marriages that followed the time from first meeting them to getting married increased from one year with the second wife and almost five with the forth. Again, without really thinking about it, subconsciously there was a thought that the longer we stayed together without the bond of marriage the longer the marriage would last. And in fact each marriage lasted longer with each subsequent wife; but they all ended.
The last wife, still legally married, left me on September 13th 2013 and have not seen or heard from her since. I don’t even know where she lives. I will explain what happened from my point of view; but after reading your blog it was certainly her being attracted to me 15 years ago and never really loving me that caused her to leave.
Mary and I met 15 years ago in a spiritual chapel. I have been seeking the Truth since I was 17 years old. In fact each of my wives made a comment when they met me that one of the things they loved about me was my “spiritualism.” Lets just say that my life has always been dedicated to glorifying God. Mary led me to believe that her life’s journey was similar to mine. And after five years of intensive learning, I believed that Mary was truly my “sole mate.”
No one has a sole mate, we are all a part of God and marriage is a commitment to help each other learn what Gods purpose is for both husband and wife. If both spouses remember their vows and live their promises the marriage will grow. However, as I found out after she left me, if the marriage was based solely on attraction the relationship will die.
Mary was diagnosed with brain cancer on September 10th. Within the next three days my wife and her two daughters began an offensive against me which ultimately ended with my wife leaving me. I was falsely accused of doing things to dishonor my wife. Many of the problems which we had during our marriage were used as reasons for leaving me. Yes, we had issues in our marriage. But,no different than any other marriage, and they were resolved; at least I thought; until they were used as reasons for leaving me.
I was and still devastated. About a month later I found my wife’s journal. Which revealed that Mary was attracted to me when she first met me; and how she wanted me to be attracted to her. And how she was angry because I didn’t respond to her as she wanted me to with sex. There is nothing in the journal about our marriage. In fact there absolutely nothing written in the journal that says anything positive about our relationship.
Mary only was attracted to me. From what I have learned from this blog is that the attraction ended and she felt like she was a prisoner of our marriage. The entries in Mary’s journal follow this logic; because a year after we were married, she writes that I am no different than her other men. She is now seeing a counselor and back taking anti-depressants.
Thus in 2004 Mary stopped loving me; or the attraction for me ended. Than for the next nine years she must have felt like she was in prison. Her journal along with what I was told the day after her surgery by her and her two daughters show that she did not want to be with me and she talked to her friends and family about how unhappy she was; except for me!
I truly loved this woman. And as much as I try to “hart” her it doesn’t work. And it really hurts to know that the prognosis of her brain cancer she had was at most a year to live.
Initially, after she left the hospital I tried to communicate with her: but my calls and emails were intercepted. I stopped trying to communicate with Mary when I went to talk with her where she was staying. She put her hand on my heart and said, “this is about me, not about you! I’ll see you on the other side.” A concept we had learned from a few nationally acclaimed speakers about the after life and being with your loved ones.
At this time this is the last person I ever want to see again. The deception that this woman “loved” me when actually her attraction ended 6 years prior has caused me so much pain. It is not that I have been praying for a healing; it is more of being reminded of her. A week doesn’t go by that some one who knew us asks me how Mary is doing? Or other people that knew we had a problem that ask, have you heard from her lately? When I say no, they say something under there breath like, strange.
I post this here not expecting a practical approach to getting back with Mary. I couldn’t even fathom the idea of taking such a person back. I do know I need to forgive this person; but it is so hard because of the way I was so poorly treated because I loved her so.
I only wish I could forget her as easily as I was forgotten.
Thank you for having such an insightful forum on the internet. People considering a relationship with another person for life could truly benefit from your advise.
27 February 2014 at 12:45 pm
First, some generalizations.
We are normally disappointed when we realize that our expectations are not being met. This disappointment can turn to emotional hurt with the realization that our expectations may not be met for a long time, and bitter regret with the realization that they may never be met.
When women are in a state of disappointment, it is very difficult to determine with certainty what they actually want based on their words and actions. A few examples may suffice.
She may push you away and tell you to go away, while hoping that you will declare your intent never to leave her no matter what. She may run away and tell you not to follow, while hoping that you will pursue her and declare that nothing can separate you from her. Perhaps she is testing the strength of the cord that binds you by pulling on it to see if it is strong, durable and resilient enough to last a life time. On the other hand, she may just want to spend some time alone and hope that you will pay for her to spend a weekend at a nice spa in order to distress.
Since you do not know what she truly wants at the time, a pragmatic response would be to always reassure her of your commitment to her. If an argument ensues, then offer her the gift of a weekend alone at a nice spa, and tell her that she is free to invite you over on the second night if she wishes. If she accepts, then pay for the two nights, meals, and a full menu of treatments. Invest in her more than you would invest in a car that needs periodic repairs.
Now to your relationship with Mary.
We are not able to read people’s thoughts for a reason – thoughts comprise both the positive and negative components of considered issues. When we are in control of our emotions, we tend to express the positive components of our thoughts to the people we care about. In times of heated arguments, we may express some of the negative thoughts towards our loved one, and later regret what we said or how we acted.
Her journal entries are likely private expressions of her disappointments. You should not mention them, nor draw any conclusions from them. She may not have written all of the positive aspects which resulted in both of you remaining together for so long.
You have only one life to live. Therefore it is wise to always try to do the best that you can with every experience that you are given. If it is not too late, then perhaps you can try reassuring her of your commitment to her, and see how she responds.
My very best regards to you both,
28 February 2014 at 4:50 pm
i had a boyfriend he cheated with another girl(they were friends with benefits.. we broke up several times…at the end he broke up with me….and he went with her 3 months after he came and ask me back..he told me he had a girlfriend but that he would leave her if i go back with him ….we had encounters ofter that but my final decision was a NO……ofter that we still had many encounters….now his girlfriend broke up with him and now we are together again ofter 9 months…he stills deny he cheated…..but i know he did because one of my friend told me…and i know she couldn’t be lying to me..his ex also told me and one of his friends did to…..now i am in a situation in which i don’t know what to do…..i don’t know if i should continue with him?or left him?i really need your help..to know what to do next…….I don’t know if this is love….he says he feels an attraction towards me,just as i do to ward him…after 9 months my feelings for hi haven’t change………..do you think this is love???????????????.
3 March 2014 at 1:16 am
Based on what you have shared, it seems that he simply wants the benefits wherever he can find them without making promises of love. Habitual cheating is like an addiction that is very difficult to break. Spouses of cheaters suffer extreme levels of emotional heartache. They may also have to deal with uninvited STDs, some of which are incurable. Is this the life that you want for yourself?
Since you are concerned that he has cheated before, I suggest that you get tested for the full range of STDs as soon as possible. Next time, make it very clear that you will not tolerate cheating.
20 March 2014 at 6:07 pm
Just commending you on a good work and voicing my support. I pray many will benefit from your book and the discussion around it.
Best regards and blessings,
8 April 2014 at 2:21 pm
3 April 2014 at 12:22 am
Hey Grenville, I think I can say I accept everything about my fiancee except her weight. We talked about getting married later this year, but since I proposed last year, she put on a few pounds. I don’t want to appear shallow about this, but I really wish she would eat better and exercise more.
We get along great and I accept the additional weight she put on since our engagement party, but I do not know if I can accept a fat wife later – just keeping it real. I told my story to another marriage site but was accused of being shallow. What do you think?
8 April 2014 at 2:20 pm
I am sure that you are aware of the possibility that whomever you choose to marry may gain weight in the future. Therefore, love includes accepting her if this possibility is realised. Your concern appears to be that she is gaining weight now. However, she is still the same person, and weight gained can also be lost. So your principal challenge is to encourage weight loss.
People normally accept constructive criticism where the method of improvement is simple and affordable, the results are certain, and the motive for making the initial criticism and subsequent encouragement is obvious care.
If you choose to marry her, then you must do so willingly – accepting that she may never lose the weight. Perhaps her ideal healthy weight is heavier than average. However, you can explain to her that you want a long life with her. Therefore, you want to start a family tradition of healthy food choices and adequate exercise. Then invite her to join you on your quest for a healthier lifestyle. Please note that this is not a competitive exercise, but a lifetime lifestyle change where you both slowly converge to your ideal health weights.
People gain excessive weight for a variety of reasons, but it is typically the result of unhealthy eating choices, which can normally be solved by healthy eating and adequate exercise. To reduce the risk of resentment that can accompany discussions of eating choices, you may need a third party. Consider scheduling a visit with a nutritionist and invite her to join you. If she joins you on your quest, then you are fortunate to have found someone who cares about both of you. If she does not join you, then you may need to consider other methods of loving encouragement.
I wish you well.